If you have an MP3 Player, Download and play this great Hash folk song. Recorded live by Deep Throat in Gloucester, United Kingdom. "...And we shout ONON!"  For more check out the live hash music at the Hash Radio Station. .

Check out the Hash Founder's Hash. 

Hash Prayer    Blessing of the Hares    Here's to_____    HERE'S TO BROTHER HASHER(S)   HE'S A HASHER, HE'S OKAY

Father Abraham    Alouette   HE'S THE MEANEST    HASH HOUSE HARRIERS    WHY WAS HE BORN SO BEAUTIFUL?   Balls to Your Partner

SWILLIGAN'S ISLAND    I LIKE A MOOSE    MOOSE SONG    THE WILD WEST SHOW     MAN POEM   YOGI    Zulu Warrior   TOASTS 

HASHER'S PRAYER

From the Global Trash Hash Bible, contributed by Stray Dog

 God bless Gispert, hallowed be his name. His hash be laid on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily Beer. And forgive us our Ah-Shits, as we also forgive those who pissed us off. And lead us not unto temptation to Short-Cut; but deliver us to the On-In. For the beer is cold, and the Pack is thirsty forever and ever, Amen.

 BLESSING OF THE HARES

Optional prayer offered by the religious advisor before the hash, with local embellishments. This version is from the Tampa H3

 Bless these hares,

Bless this trail,

Coppus no catch us,

Farmer no shoot us,

Doggus no bite us,

Heatus no stroke us,

Plenty of cold beer to drink,

Coitus non interruptus.

HERE'S TO ________

Melody--Itself

VERSION # 1

Here's to,

He's true blue, (he's a blue)

He's a Hasher,

Through and through,

He's a pisspot, (he's an asshole)

So they say,

Tried to go to heaven, (he'll never get to heaven)

But he went the other way, (in a long, long way)

So drink it down, down, down . . .

VERSION # 2

Here's to,

She's a damn fine gal,

Here's to,

She's a damn fine gal,

So drink, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug,

Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug,

Here's to,

She's a horse's ass.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, etc . . .

HERE'S TO BROTHER HASHER(S)

Melody--Ach, Du Lieber Augustin

Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

Here's to brother (sister) hasher,

Bother hasher, brother hasher,

Here's to brother hasher,

May he chug-a-lug.

He's happy, he's jolly,

He's fucked up by golly,

Here's to brother hasher,

May he chug-a-lug.

So drink motherfucker,

Drink motherfucker,

Drink motherfucker,

Drink motherfucker,

Here's to brother hasher,

May he chug-a-lug.

HE'S A HASHER, HE'S OKAY

Melody--Lumberjack Song

He's a hasher, he's okay,

Works all day, comes out to play,

Drinks it down without complaint,

Or he wears it well.

Drink it!

Wear it!

Drink it!

Wear it!

Etc . . .

HE'S THE MEANEST

Melody--Itself (similar to Okinawa H3 melody)

He's the meanest,

He sucks the horse's penis,

He's the meanest,

He's a horse's ass.

All he does is pound it,

Ever since he found it,

He's the meanest,

He's a horse's ass.

He's always pissing on us,

He's rotten and dishonest,

He's the meanest,

He's a horse's ass.

So drink it down, down, down . . .

Father Abraham

(Good warm-up song when it's cold or while
waiting to run.)
Chorus
Father Abraham had seven sons.
And seven sons had Father Abraham.
And he never laughed,
And he never cried,
All he did was go like this.

With a left. (Hold left arm out, moving hand
to vertical
and back again, and sing chorus while doing
it.)

(Stop moving arm and drop to side, then start
over.)
With a left, (Start moving left arm
again.)
And a right. (Start moving right arm in same
fashion at same time as left, then sing chorus
again while doing so. This goes on adding
movements in order with each verse.)

With a left,
And a right,
And a left (Start moving left leg back an forth
to side along with the arms.)

With a left,
And a right,
And a left,
And a right, (Now you are doing jumping jacks)

(Repeat the limb positions, then:)
And a Hooh! (Thrust out your butt, do chorus with
the jumping jacks, shouting "Hooh!" and doing the
butt thrust after "Father Abraham and at the end
of each line except the last.)

(Repeat the previous positions, then:)
And a Hah! (Thrust your pelvis forward and ending
with the chorus like this:)

Father Abraham (Hooh! Hah!) had seven sons (Hooh!
Hah!)
And seven sons had Father Abraham (Hooh! Hah!)
And he never laughed (Hooh! Hah!)
And he never cried (Hooh! Hah!)
All he did was go like this- (Thrust out your
butt, grab your
ankles, and make a loud farting noise.)

Aahlawetta

(To "Alouette", the songmaster points to various parts of a "volunteer" harriette's anatomy
as the song progresses.)

Chorus
Aahlawetta, gentil Aahlawetta,
Aahlawetta, je te plumerai.
1
Songmaster: How I love her curly hair.
Pack: How I (you) love her curly hair.
Songmaster: Curly hair.
Pack: Curly hair.
Songmaster: Alouett.
Pack: Alouett.
Together: Oh-oh-oh-ohhh. (to Chorus)
2
Songmaster: How I love her bushy brows.
Pack: How I (you) love her bushy brows.
Songmaster: Bushy brows.
Pack: Bushy brows.
Songmaster: Curly hair.
Pack: Curly hair.
Songmaster: Alouett.
Pack: Alouett.
Together: Ohohohohhh.
3
Songmaster: How I love her criss-cross
eyes...etc.
(And so it goes adding one more part with each
verse to the anatomy list to test the sobriety and
memory of the songmaster. Tradition would have
the songmaster do a down down for missing a part
during the listing or otherwise screwing up the
song.)

Harriette List from Top (with alternates):

1 Curly hair (rat's nest hair)
2 Bushy brows (furrowed brow)
3 Criss-cross eyes (bloodshot eyes)
4 Crooked nose (broken nose)
5 Lubra lips (sucking lips)
6 Two buck teeth (cum-stained teeth)
7 Double chin (drooling chin)
8 Saggy tits (swinging tits)
9 Big pot belly (pregnant belly/big beer belly)
10 Moofy crotch (furry thing)
11 Knobbly knees (skinny legs)
12 Tinea toes (big smelly feet)

Harrier List from Top (with alternatives):

1 Thinning hair (balding head)
2 Neanderthal brow (wrinkled brow)
3 Blood-shot eyes (one glass eye)
4 Broken nose (hairy nose)
5 Smelly breath (pukey breath)
6 Rotten teeth (toothy gap)
6 Double chin (Dumbo ears)
7 Hairy chest (skinny chest)
8 Big beer belly (Big pot belly)
9 Tiny dick (micro-penis)
10 Drooping sac (tiny balls)
11 Creaky knees (skinny legs)
12 Tinea toes (big smelly feet)

HASH HOUSE HARRIERS

Melody--The Adams Family

Their drinking is compulsive and

Their running is convulsive,

They're morally repulsive,

The Hash House Harriers.

Chorus: Da da da da (snap fingers twice)

Da da da da (snap fingers twice)

Da da da da, da da da da, da da da da

Their flatulence is rude and

Their genitals protrude when

They're running in the nude in

The Hash House Harriers.

They're always shiggy tracking

From constantly bush-whacking,

Intelligence they're lacking,

The Hash House Harriers.

Da da da da, Down Down, etc . . .

WHY WAS HE BORN SO BEAUTIFUL?

Melody--Itself

Why was he born so beautiful?

Why was he born at all?

He's no fuckin' use to anyone,

He's no bloody use at all.

(Optional verses)

They say he's a joy to his mother,

But he's a pain in the asshole to me,

He's fresh as a daisy,

He drives me crazy,

So drink it down, down, down . . .

SWILLIGAN'S ISLAND

Melody--Gilligan's Island Theme

From Whiff, Pittsburgh H3

Just sip yer brew and you'll hear a tale,

A tale of a drunken hash.

That started with a keg of beer,

And everyone got trashed. (Repeat)

The first hare was a brainless cooch,

His co-hare was half as smart.

Two hundred some odd half-minds,

Took off in a cloud of farts. (Repeat)

The hills got steep, the shiggy deep,

The back checks had them fooled.

Then someone found the beer stop,

And everybody drooled. (Repeat)

The mud had sucked their sneakers off,

Their legs were ripped a lot.

But once they had their nectar,

The trail they soon forgot. (Repeat)

The moral is no matter how,

Much shiggy's on your trail,

A hashin' twit don't give a shit,

While he's swilling his ale.

I LIKE A MOOSE

Melody--Villikins and His Dinah (Sweet Betsy from Pike)

By Anne Bredon, contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4. This appears to be the original version of the "Moose Song," below. See the Appendix for two more versions.

There's an infamous song goin' 'round 'bout a moose,

It's really quite funny and quite full of juice,

But all of it's told from a masculine view,

And a lot of us women want to get a piece too.

Chorus: Moose, moose, I want a moose,

I've never had anything quite like a moose.

I've had lots of others; my life has been loose,

But I've never had anything quite like a moose.

I figured it all out one day by myself,

When my man went off and left me on the shelf,

He'd found him a new love, a nubile moose-ess,

Which gave me a bad case of rampant distress.

"What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose,"

Said I as I set out to find me a moose,

But I ran into problems that men do not mind,

For male moose are seasonal creatures, you'll find.

I hunted in winter, I hunted in spring,

I hunted all summer and found not a thing,

But I found my moose when leaves started to fall,

And . . . oh brother! did I have a ball.

With my arms 'round his barrel, my feet by his tail,

I hanged and we banged and we really did flail,

Bouncing and jouncing I came with a roar,

I never had had such a great lay before.

But autumn soon passed and so I said goodbye,

I'll be here next year when the leaves start to fly,

Yes I will return when the leaves start to fall,

And we'll ball and we'll ball and we'll ball and we'll ball.

And so, my dear sisters, I have to confess,

Being balled by a moose, it is really the best,

But you'll make out with others for most of the year,

For male moose are seasonal creatures, I fear.

A bear in the winter is furry and warm,

And if you don't tickle, he'll do you no harm.

In spring try an eagle, his feathers are light,

That is if you are not afraid of great height.

In summer, I fear, you must make do with men,

But, not to worry, soon fall comes again.

Then you can return to your own faithful moose, And revel in supremely scrumptious screws.

MOOSE SONG

Melody--Sweet Betsy from Pike

Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 (some verses by Satan of the Pittsburgh H3, and Flying Booger)

Chorus (sung while making antlers on head with hands): Moose, moose, I love a moose,

I've never had anything quite like a moose,

My life has been merry,

My women been loose,

But nothing compares to the love of a moose.

When I'm in the mood for a very fine lay,

I go to the closet and pull out some hay,

I open the window and spread it around,

Because moose will come running when there's hay on the ground.

Harriers' verses: When I was a young lad I played with the girls,

I'd fondle their titties and twirl their curls,

But my true love ran off with a classmate named Bruce,

I never got treated that way by a moose.

Women like pearls and diamonds and cars,

I spend all my money on them in bars,

But a moose is content to be tied to a tree,

While I find other mooses to satisfy me.

Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,

I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there,

I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,

But I've never had anything quite like a moose.

Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,

And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight,

But it just ain't the same when you slams your caboose

As the feeling you gets when you humps with a moose.

Harriettes' verses: All my past lovers did brag about size,

Those tales of twelve inches were nothing but lies,

But a moose is the size that a man ought to be,

That's why from now on it's mooses for me.

When I was much younger I read dirty books,

I stroked myself with each gazing look,

But nothing can make my eyes start to twinkle,

Then getting it off with that stud Bullwinkle.

Now that I'm older and into my years,

I'll have you to know that I shed no tears,

While I lay by the fire with a glass of Mateus,

Playing hide the salami with Marvin the Moose.

THE WILD WEST SHOW

Melody--Itself

Chorus: We're off to see the Wild West Show,

The elephant and the kangaroo-o-oo,

Never mind the weather, as long as we're together,

We're off to see the Wild West Show.

(Take turns leading verses)

Leader: Now here, ladies and gentlemen, in the first cage we have the laughing hyena.

Pack: The laughing hyena? Fantastic! Incredible! What the fuck is a laughing hyena? Tell us about the son-of-a-bitch!!

Leader: This animal lives up in the mountains and once every year he comes down to eat. Once every two years he comes down to drink, and once every three years he comes down for sexual intercourse. What the hell he has to laugh about I don't know.

The Giraffe--This creature is the most popular animal in the animal kingdom. Why? Every time he goes into a bar he says, "Gentlemen, the high-balls are on me."

The Famous Tattooed Lady--On the inside of her left thigh she has tattooed MERRY CHRISTMAS, and on the inside of her right thigh she has tattooed HAPPY NEW YEAR, and she'd like to invite you to come up between the holidays!

The Orangutan--This animal lives in the deepest jungle, and his scrotal sac is so pliant and flexible that as he swings from branch to branch his balls go ORANG-U-TANG, ORANG-U-TANG.

The Oster-reich--This animal, at the first sign of danger, buries its head in the sand and whistles through the 'hole of the afternoon.

The Rhino-sauras--This animal, ladies and gentlemen, is reputed to be the richest in the world. Its name is derived from the Latin "rhino" meaning money, and "sore ass" meaning piles; hence, piles of money.

The Keerie Bird--This bird lives only in the Antarctic, and every time it lands on the ice it says, "Keerie, Keerie, Keeriest, it's cold!"

Prince, the Rock 'n' Roll Star--Yes, ladies and gentlemen, living proof that Little Richard and Liberace were once man and wife!

The Leo-pard--Yes, folks, the leopard has one spot on its coat for every day of the year. What about leap year? George, lift up the leopard's tail and show the lady the 29th of February.

The Winky Wanky Bird--Folks, by some mystery of nature, the nerves of this bird's eyelids are connected to its scrotum. Every time it winks, it wanks, and every time it wanks, it winks. Hey you, boy, stop throwing sand in the bird's eye!

The Ele-phant--The elephant has an enormous appetite. In one day it eats two tons of hay, one dozen bunches of bananas, and twenty buckets of rice. Madam, please don't stand too near the elephant. Madam? Madam? Oh, dear God! George, get the shovel!

The Mathematical Impossibility--Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the girl you see before you in this cage was ate before she was seven!

The Oozle Woozle Bird--These birds fly in a line ahead formation, and at the first sign of danger, the last bird flies up the asshole of the bird in front, and so on up the line. The remaining bird then flies around in ever-decreasing circles, finally disappearing up its own fundamental orifice, from which it proceeds to shower shit and derision in all directions.

The Tri-angular--Folks, this animal has a triangular orifice. Hence the pyramids and the YWCA.

The Second Tattooed Lady--On one leg she has tattooed FIRE, and on the other leg she had tattooed BRIMSTONE, and in between it looks like HELL!

The Gay-zelle--This pretty little four-footed animal you see on your right, ladies and gentlemen, wot has the peculiarity that every time it leaps from rock to rock it farts, and the scientists are still trying to determine whether it farts because it leaps or whether it leaps because it farts.

The Well-Known Oolie-Goolie Bird--This bird, wot as you will observe if you look carefully at it, has no legs, and is called what it is, ladies and gentlemen, because when the male of the species comes in to land you can hear him cry, "Ooh, me goolies! Ooh, me goolies!"

The French Pervertable--This fine automobile is the last of it's kind, no longer for sale anywhere in the world. Notice the convertible top, the five-speed manual transmission, the automatic cruise control, and the dual halogen headlights. It seats two in the front and comfortably accomodates 69 in the back.

TheTattooed Cowgirl--The tattooed cowgirl has a tattoo of Roy Clark on her left thigh and a tattoo of Hank Williams on her right thigh . . . and who's that in the middle, Willy Nelson?

The Antique Sales Lady--The Antique Sales Lady sells only period furniture . . . everything has stains on it.

The Plumb Line Bird--This bird spends most of its time high above the world's oceans, circling in the jet stream until it spies what it is after. Immediately it folds its wings, dives toward the sea, and gathers an ever-increasing momentum until it reaches terminal velocity. At that precise moment it hits the surface of the sea but continues diving straight down, now with decreasing momentum, until, if it has got the timing precisely right, it comes to a stop behind a sardine which has just farted, whereupon it seizes the bubble in its beak for use in spirit levels.

The Circus Acrobat--If you will but observe the Circus Acrobat's ass you will observe a tattooed M on one cheek and a corresponding M on the other. When he bends over he spells MOM. When he stands on his head he spells WOW. When he turns cartwheels, he spells WOW MOM WOW.

The Female Mathematician--This lady, folks, believes that this (hold fingers three inches apart) is twelve inches.

The Famous Oooh-Aaah Bird--The male of this species, ladies and gentlemen, resides at the North Pole while the female resides at the South Pole. At the appointed season the male Oooh-Aaah flies south from the North Pole and the female Oooh-Aaah flies north from the South Pole until they meet at the Equator, whereupon one can here them call, "Ooooooooooh-Aaaaaaaaaah!"

The Tri-Angular Iceberg--A most uncommon iceberg, ladies and gentlemen, where on the first side you will see an Indonesian keeping a private school, and on the second side an American keeping a private school, while on the third side you will observe a polar bear sliding up and down, keeping his privates cool.

The Homosexual Sparrow--This bird is so called, ladies and gentlemen, because sometimes he flies backwards for a lark.

The Infamous Fuccari Tribe--This tribe, as you will see, dear friends, is composed of small-statured people wot live in the middle of Africa, where the grass grows to an incredible height of 18 feet or more, and all day long the members of this tribe wander, calling, "Where the Fuccari? Where the Fuccari?"

The Fight Between the Snake and the Ostrich--(Please note that this one is limited only by the teller's imagination and the audience's patience. So far the Guinness Book of Records has refused to list the longest known version, but a respectable average would be around 15 minutes. What follows is a bare outline; embellish it as you will): In the left-hand corner, ladies and gentlemen, stands the ostrich (to be followed by a life history of the contestant, fight record, size of jock strap, etc.), while in the right-hand corner stands the snake (ditto). And there, ladies and gentlemen, goes the bell for round one (followed by a description of the fight--this round, and all subsequent rounds, should take at least three minutes of fast talking, and should all end in the same waywith the snake diving into the ostrich's mouth, wriggling swiftly through the ostrich's digestive apparatus, and emerging from it's asshole. Because of this clever maneuver, each round goes to the snake, until the FINAL round, wherein the snake finally dives into the ostrich's mouth, swiftly wriggles through the ostrich's digestive apparatus, and is ABOUT to emerge from its asshole when the ostrich shoves its beak up its own asshole and says, "Now loop-the-loop, you bastard!").

 MAN POEM

Everyday I give thanks to God

I was born a man instead of a broad

When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV

I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee

I go to a barber, not a beauty salon

Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on

Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts

I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man

Tell you the reason I am

I don't go through a faze every 28 days

Man, I'm glad I'm a man

I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons

Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john

I don't throw a fit when I break a nail

I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale

I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror

I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer

I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass

I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man

Tell you the reason I am

I don't face the pain of water-weight gain

Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Let me tell you ladies

Listen to me ladies

I love those things inside of your blouse

I love your pretty faces

Your warm and soft embraces

But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date

I don't play with dolls unless they inflate

When someone asks me my age, I never lie

After sex in bed, my spot's always dry

I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines

I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans

I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie

This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man

Tell you the reason I am

I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill

Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man

Tell you the reason I am

I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'

Man, I'm glad I'm a man

YOGI Bear

(To the tune of "Camptown Races")

In the forest lives a bear, Yogi, Yogi,
In the forest lives a bear, Yogi, Yogi Bear.
Yogi, Yogi Bear, Yogi, Yogi Bear.
In the forest lives a bear, Yogi, Yogi Bear.

Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo,
Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear.
Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear, Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear.
Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear.

Yogi likes candy, Gummy Bears, Gummy Bears,
Yogi likes candy, Gummy, Gummy Bears.
Gummy, Gummy Bears, Gummy, Gummy Bears.
Yogi likes candy, Gummy, Gummy Bears.

Yogi has a girl friend, Cindi, Cindi
Yogi has a girl friend, Cindi, Cindi Bear...etc.

Cindi likes it on the fridge, Polar, Polar,
Cindi likes it on the fridge, Polar, Polar
Bear...etc.

Cindi likes it up the arse, Dirty, Dirty,
Cindi likes it up the arse, Dirty, Dirty
Bear...etc.

Yogi's into whips and chains, Kinky, Kinky,
Yogi's into whips and chains, Kinky, Kinky
Bear...etc.

Cindi has a shaven snatch, Grizzly, Grizzly,
Cindi has a shaven snatch, Grizzly, Grizzly
Bear...etc.

Yogi has a cheesy dick, Camenbeart, Camenbeart,
Yogi has a cheesy dick, Camen, Camenbeart..etc.

Yogi uses condoms Clever, Clever,
Yogi uses condoms Clever, Clever Bear...etc.

Cindi had a little cub, Bastard, Bastard,
Cindi had a little cub, Bastard, Bastard
Bear...etc.

Cindi asks for money, Hooker, Hooker,
Cindi asks for money, Hooker, Hooker Bear...etc.

Yogi likes to role his on, Smokey, Smokey,
Yogi likes to role his on, Smokey, Smokey
Bear...etc.

Boo Boo likes it upside down, Koala, Koala,
Boo Boo likes it upside down, Koala, Koala
Bear...etc.

Yogi's got a case of crabs, Itchy, Itchy,
Yogi's got a case of crabs, Itchy, Itchy
Bear...etc.

Yogi's got a twelve inch cock, Lucky, Lucky,
Yogi's got a twelve inch cock, Lucky, Lucky
Bear...etc.

Boo Boo says he's got one too, Liar, Liar,
Boo Boo says he's got one too, Liar, Liar
Bear...etc.

Cindi likes it twice a day, Horny, Horny,
Cindi likes it twice a day, Horny, Horny
Bear...etc.

Cindi sleeps in any bed, Teddy, Teddy,
Cindi sleeps in any bed, Teddy, Teddy Bear...etc.

Yogi doesn't wipe his butt, Brown, Brown,
Yogi doesn't wipe his butt, Brown, Brown
Bear...etc.

Boo-Boo likes to stroke his tool, Wanker, Wanker,
Boo-Boo likes to stroke his tool, Wanker, Wanker
Bear...etc.

Yogi's got an enemy, Ranger, Ranger
Yogi's got an enemy, Ranger, Ranger Smith...etc.

Ranger puts a hole in it, Naughty, Naughty,
Ranger puts a hole in it, Naughty, Naughty
Boy...etc.

Ranger likes the animals, Beastial, Beastial,
Ranger likes the animals, Beast-i-al-i-ty...etc.
(This can be a natural lead-in to Beastiality's
Best)

 TOASTS

To a man:

May the bleeding piles possess him and adorn his bloody feet,

May crabs the size of horseturds climb up his legs and eat;

And when he's as old as I am and naught but a bloody wreck,

May his head fall down through his asshole and break his fucking neck.

To youth:

When I was a young man, I used to be so proud,

I had a cock so mighty, I wanted to shout out loud.

It never took a day off; it was always there,

And every morning when I shaved, it would stand and stare.

Now I'm old and weary, my pilot light's gone out,

What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout,

Oh, I'm gray and wrinkled, and it sure gives me the blues,

To see the thing hang down my leg to watch me shine my shoes.

When I was a little girl, I had a little quim;

I'd stand before the looking-glass, and put one finger in.

But now that I am old and gray, and losing all my charm,

I can get five fingers in, and half my fucking arm.

To women:

Here's to the gash that never heals,

The more you touch it the better it feels,

Rub it and tub it and scrub it like hell,

You'll never get rid of that fishy old smell.

Here's to the girl who lives on the hill,

If she won't do it her sister will

Here's to her sister!

Here's to the breezes

That blow through the treeses

And lift girls' chemises

Way over their kneeses

And show us the creases

That twitches and squeezes

And teases and pleases

And carries diseases

By Jesus!

Here's to the lady dressed in black,

Once she walks by she never looks back,

And when she kisses, oh, how sweet,

She makes things stand that never had feet.

Here's to the girl who I love best,

I love her best when she's undressed,

I'd fuck her sitting, standing, lying,

If she had wings I'd fuck her flying,

And when she's dead and long forgotten,

I'll dig her up and fuck her rotten!

Let's have a toast to her honor!

Response: Get on her and stay on her!

Here's to Mag, that filthy hag,

That sleazy, slimy slut.

Green fungus lies between her thighs,

And worms crawl out her butt.

Before I'd scale those scabby legs,

Or suck those pus-filled tits,

I'd drink a gallon of buzzard puke,

And die of the drizzly shits.

To love:

Man's occupation,

Is to stick his cockulation,

Up the woman's ventilation,

To increase the population,

Of the coming generation.

Here's to the game of twenty toes,

It's played all over the town.

The girls play it with ten toes up,

The boys with ten toes down.

(this Spanish toast starts out with the man holding his glass above the woman's and saying):

"At times above you,"

(then he moves his glass below hers and says):

"At times below you,"

(then he clinks the glasses and says):

"Always beside you,"

(then he pours a little of whatever he has in his glass into hers and says):

"And sometimes inside you!"

(In Spanish):

"A veces abajo de ti,

A veces debajo de ti,

Siempre a lado de ti,

A veces a dentro de ti!"

 To a life well-lived:

Here's to me in my sober mood,

When I ramble, sit, and think.

Here's to me in my drunken mood,

When I gamble, sin, and drink.

And when my days are over,

And from this world I pass,

I hope they bury me upside down,

So the world can kiss my ass!

To drink:

Times are hard,

And wages are small,

So drink more beer,

And fuck 'em all.

If I had a dog that could piss this stuff (hold up beer mug)

And if I thought he could piss enough

I'd tie his head to the foot of the bed

And suck his dick till we both were dead!

Balls to Your Partner 
Chorus: 

Balls to your partner, 
ass against the wall, 
if you've never been laid on Saturday night, 
you've never been laid at all. 

Verses: 
First lady forward, second lady back. 
Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's crack. 

The Queen was in the chamber, eating bread and honey, 
the King was in the Chamber Maid, and she was in the money. 

The vicars wife, well she was there sitting by the fire 
Knitting rubber johnnies out of old India-rubber tyres. 

The chinese student, he was there he couldn't get a ride 
'Cause all the cunts went up and down instead from side to side. 

The village butcher he was there, the cleaver in his hand, 
and everytime he turned around he circumcised a man. 

The village harlot she was there, she was having fits, 
swinging from the chandeliers and bouncing off her tits. 

Little Eric he was there, he was having fun,
swinging off the chandeliers and bouncing off his buns. 

The village carpenter he was there, looking like a fool, 
he brought his saw and he brought his hammer, but he forgot his tool. 

The village mortician he was the, quite out of breath, 
while fucking a stiff it farted and it scared him half to death. 

Bobbing for apples his wife was, fun to screw around, 
when the village idiot tried it, the stupid fucker drowned.

Little Eric he was there, he was only eight, 
he couldn't have the women so he had to masturbate. 

Willie Randle he was there, at the hot-dog stand, 
a grin upon his face and a wiener in his hand. 

Mrs. Randell she was there, sitting on a bed,
weaving prophylactics from a spool of rubber thread. 

Four & twenty virgins came down from Inverness, 
and when the ball was over, there were four & twenty less. 

Four & twenty prostitutes came up from Glockamore, 
and when the ball was over they were all of them double bored. 

There was fucking in the hallway, fucking on the stairs, 
you couldn't see the floor for the mass of pubic hairs. 

There was fucking in the kitchen and fucking in the halls, 
you couldn't hear the music for the clanging of the balls. 

Buxom hippie she was there, she was having fits,
she didn't wear her bra and kept stepping on her tits. 

The village magician he was there, up to his usual tricks,
he pulled his foreskin over his head and disappeared up his prick. 

The village idiot he was there sitting on a pole, 
he pulled his foreskin over his head and whistled through the hole. 

The village idiot he was there leaning on the gate, 
he couldn't find a lassie so he had to flatulate. 

The village cripple he was there, he wasn't up to much, 
he lined them up against the wall and fucked them with his crutch. 

The magician's daughter she was there, doing her favorite stunt, 
She'd put her head between her legs and disappear up her cunt. 

Little Eric he was there, what do you think about that? 
Amusing himself by abusing himself and catching it in his hat. 

The village economist he was there, pecker in his hand, 
waiting for the moment when supply would meet demand. 

The village prostitute she was there, lying on the floor, 
Everytime she spread her legs, the suction closed the door.

The village bride she was there, explaining to the groom,
The vagina not the rectum is the entrance to the womb. 

The village blacksmith he was there, a mighty man was he, 
he lined the women up against the wall and fucked them three by three. 

The fortune teller she was there, climbing up the walls, 
he wanted a fuck but was out of luck for he had crystal balls. 

A pregnant woman she was there, oh how her belly hung, 
and everytime you ate her out a hand would grab your tongue.

The village smithy he was there, sitting by the fire, 
doing abortions by the score with a piece of red hot wire. 

There was fucking on the couches, fucking on the cots, 
and lined up against the wall were rows of grinning twats. 

Little Joseph he was there, the leader of the choir,
he kicked the boys in the balls to make their voices higher. 

There was fucking in the fields, fucking in the oats,
We were fucking women but Bator was fucking goats. 

Markie Edwards he was there, looking for some coin, 
They found him in the bathroom sucking on my groin. 

The village plumber he was there, feeling like a fool, 
he'd come eleven leagues or more but forgot to bring his tool. 

The parson's daughter she was there, the cunning little runt 
with poison ivy up her ass and thistle up her cunt. 

The village doctor he was there, he had his bag of tricks, 
and in between the dances he was sterilizing pricks. 

Little Richard he was there, his prick was all alert, 
but when the night was done 'twas dangling in the dirt. 

The chimney sweep he was there they had to throw him out, 
for every time he passed his wind the room was filled with soot. 

The village postman he was there the poor man had the pox, 
he couldn't fuck the lassies so he fucked the letterbox. 

And when the ball was over everyone confessed, 
they all enjoyed the dancing but the fucking was the best.